Provocation: Cannibalism is okay

Introduction to Provocation: A crazy idea is taken seriously and used as the basis for a scene or story.

–Provocation: Cannibalism is a perfectly normal practice, like vegetarianism. What cannibalism needs is a farm bill to subsidize farmers of organically fed people for practicing cannibals.–

The Senate has just began session. Cameras surround the perimeter. Joseph, a reporter for CNN, stands anticipating next to his camera. The excited tension in his breath fogs the lens and he doesn’t notice.

SPEAKER
The Senator from Massachusetts has the floor.

MA SENATOR

Thank you Speaker. Distinguished colleagues of the Senate and friends, today we bring before you a truly historic bill. With your yay vote this day, you become aligned with the right part of history in confirming the strength of our constitution and the effectiveness of our laws. We are a government of the people, by the people and the people have spoken. [Applause] The People-farm Subsidy is not just a support system for an industry that is experiencing enormous pressure from world-wide competition. It is an affirmation that the United States of America will protect the basic human right to choose no matter what our neighbors think. [applause] We are a country governed by one principle before any other - we will do whatever we can as government officials to please the people and make them feel good so that we don’t lose our jobs, even if it goes against our personal beliefs of what right and wrong are. [laughter] Just wanted to see if you were still with me.

The truth is that people-farming had been going on for years on a black market in the United States and abroad. Until the recent Supreme Court ruling in favor of legalizing cannibalism, people-farming on the black market created dangerous conditions for those taking part in it and for consumers, without any scrutiny on the quality of service or product. Those with an eye toward taking advantage of an unwatched system exploited their consumers by delivering badly taken care of, unhealthy product often laced with dangerous drugs. One in ten consumers either died or had life-long complications as a result of this unsafe environment for cannibalism.

Look, I don’t personally agree with it. As a Catholic, its against my belief system. But I could not in good conscience exercise my own personal beliefs on the whole of the United States and watch those who choose to take part suffer as a result. Ladies and Gentlemen, our citizens were dying unnecessarily as a result of the improper conditions at these illegal people-farms. People must have the right to choose, so long as no one is unwillingly harmed by their actions. We made the right decision in legalizing the practice, setting guidelines and an agency to oversee it. Now we must deliver on our promise to the people of the United States by helping legally approved people-farmers develop viable businesses.

This bill contains two separate measures. First, it provides a tiered financial incentive based on the size of the farm and monthly people-crop. It takes into account the amount of feed required, space for storage, the setup of environmentally safe disposal methods, a stipend for the first six months of rent and advertising. The second part of the bill provides support for the family and friends of the volunteers, both financially and psychologically. While they may agree with the practice and the choice of their loved one to join the farm, the loss can be hard to deal with. So this isn’t just a bill to support an industry. It’s a bill to help people. [applause]

With people-farmers, the line between private industry and government social service is blurred because they are protecting our citizens’ right to choose on a very basic level therefore, it is our responsibility to provide incentives that level the playing field between safe, legal people-farmers and those who choose to continue their black market practices of raping the American people. With this bill we can do something inherently good for our constituencies. Let’s help the good guys. [applause] Thank you.